The quiet competition between mothers

The way some mums compete at motherhood, you’d think it was an Olympic Sport. It’s not just how ‘good’ of a mum you are that’s compared either. There are endless sub-categories and disciplines we’re compared in. Everything from baby milestones to parenting styles, school choices and extracurricular activities. The list of what makes you a better mum and what makes you an underperformer is exhaustive. Just keeping track of the metrics is dizzying, let alone actually trying to keep up with them. 

Personally, I don’t actually care about the ways we compare each other because honestly, I don’t even get why we’re comparing at all. So, I’m going to think out loud while I try to figure out why so many mums are so competitive in a sport that doesn’t even exist. 

It starts from day dot

You’d think becoming a mum for the first time, or even multiple times over, that your peer group would understand the stress and strain of your role as a mum. You’d be wrong. It’s not every mum but it’s a damn lot of them. For me it started during mothers’ group. A collection of new mums whose only common thread was that we all had a baby at a similar time, in the same suburb and we all said yes to be part of a Mothers group. Besides that, you could be as different as chalk and cheese with some ladies, or two peas in a pod with others. It’s really the luck of the draw. 

My own mothers’ group was actually good to be fair. Everyone was friendly and open about sharing experiences from birth stories to commiserating about sleep schedule struggles. But slowly, milestone comparisons would creep in and that was just the beginning. There were extra activities. Sensory playgroups, baby music events, one-on-one swimming sessions, all in exclusive suburbs that were chosen over the public library Baby Rhyme Time because the benefits exceeded anything standard community services could offer. Complaining about the price of the activities while, in the same breath, gloating about how hard they were to get into seemed to be the power move. 

It wasn’t just what I like to refer to as ‘Baby KPIs’ that were measurements of success either. Brands were a big one. The more mums I met, the more I realised how important the ‘right’ brands were. No baby item was exempt. Car seats, carriers, bassinets, bottles, teethers, toys and the big ones - clothes and prams. Your baby wasn’t wearing 100% organic cotton and a matching set… yikes. You had a second hand pram that doesn’t have the capsule that pops straight into the car seat… double yikes. If your kid was excelling in milestones, you still had a chance to be marked down in the brands or extra activities departments. It was relentless. And all this comparison happening while worrying about baby weight gain, growth, gross motor skills, vaccinations, sleep cycles and god forbid, teething. 

The older babies get, the obsession with milestones wanes. But don’t worry, that doesn’t mean competition dies, it simply evolves. As toddlers they’re compared on social skills, language, independent sleep, ability to share - a bunch of skills with non-linear lines of progression but it doesn’t stop mums and parents comparing their kids to see where they sit on the scale of Struggling to Thriving. 

No one gets a free pass 

If you thought performance expectations were just reserved for kids you couldn’t be more wrong. Mum’s are compared in every possible way. Nothing is sacred. It starts with pregnancy. Are you a glowing and stunning emblem of the divine feminine experience? Or a worn out, puffy and over-it grump, who has morphed into someone that looks like they ate the former version of yourself? Then child birth. “Natural” vs C-section. Pain relief free vs doped up (epidural). Home birth vs hospital. Then the most dreaded, and dare I say, judged period of all - postpartum. Exclusively breastfeeding or formula fed. Sleep training or co-sleeping. Did you bounce back or holding onto baby weight? Are you a put together aesthetic mum or messy bun, spit up on your shirt while rolling up to the playground looking and feeling like a zombie kinda mum. There’s a thousand points of comparison and none of them are kind. 

Naturally, many of us form camps around our personal experience. Aesthetic mums, they’re usually hanging out with other aesthetic mums forming a glorious display of what motherhood and having your stuff together looks like. Crunchy mums in a clique that share natural remedies and recipes while side-eyeing the mums offering packaged snacks bought off the shelf at the supermarket. Fitness mums high fiving while finishing their group session together as their little ones watch on with awe and amazement from their parked prams. Mums with a village going out for coffee dates, cocktail dates and concerts together because, well, they can, the village has got their back. Messy bun mums huddled up with others in the same boat, if only to avoid surrounding ourselves with the other types for fear of judgement and the induction of self criticism in their presence.

Unintentionally, we split into silos and if there’s anything I learnt about girls and women while going to an all girls high school, group mentality can breed gossip. Even when you’re in the same camp. It’s like being on the longest season of Survivor ever. Alliances form, some people switch camps, a couple of Gods’ favourites get advantages that make them a target for everyone else's insecurities. The only difference is there’s no ultimate survivor, we’re just stuck on the same island together, while competing like we’re inspired by the Lord of the Flies. 

What makes us do it 

So we know what we do, but the real question is why. Why compare something like Motherhood when no two experiences can ever be the same and even worse, when no one is actually keeping score? Here’s my theory - as people, as women, as mums, we don’t like to feel inadequate. That’s not reserved just to motherhood but becoming a mum exposes a lot about who we are, what we can handle and even moreso, what we can’t. 

When you combine body image, emotional maturity and intelligence, sleep deprivation, trauma event recovery, gigantic hormonal shifts, steep learning curves, changing and strained romantic and family relationships, uncertainty of the future, measurement of progress against global standards and the responsibility of keeping a tiny human not just alive but thriving, it’s a lot and often too much for our brains to cope with. Being the bigger person, clapping for others achievements when they’re our own struggles is hard at the best of times. When you’re operating on three hours sleep, constant nappy changes and never being able to find clothes that fit let alone look decent, it’s no wonder so many of us resort to our lesser natures. 

Let’s be brutally honest, women can be the most incredible, loving, nurturing people you’ve ever met. They can also be the most cruel, judgemental and mean spirited individuals you can cross paths with. That’s by no means every woman, but hey, we all know someone who solidly falls into either of those categories. And here’s the thing, there’s no precursor to becoming a mum when it comes to the type of person you are. You don’t have to be well adjusted, self aware and willing to practice compassion for yourself and others. You don’t have to be mindful of how you behave towards other mums who choose different paths to your own. You don’t have to work on your own issues to become a better, more well rounded individual. Because of that, I believe the competition comes from a lot of our insecurities and parts of ourselves we’re lacking in. 

You may disagree, and that’s okay. Like I said, I’m just trying to think out loud, not convert anyone else's ways of thinking. What I noticed is, the mum I was with our eldest to our second is different. The postpartum insecurities, the uncertainty of whether I’m parenting them right, the struggle to keep up with everyone else has faded. I still have moments but for the most part, I’ve made peace with my part in life. 

I have learned to appreciate what we have without needing other mums to measure against. Now I look at some of those mums I envied, aesthetic mums, fitness mums, mums with a village, and instead of judging them with snarky internal monologues and side ways glances, I’m happy for them. I might go so far to say I’m almost proud of them. Because being a mum is bloody hard, even without the competing in the Motherhood Olympics you never asked to be part of. 

So I’ll end with this. Mums are competitive because they want to be the best. Do some have to tread on others to feel that way, yep, unfortunately they do. But are there others out there that will clap for your successes and tell you you’re a bloody good mum, also yep, absolutely there are. It’s just a matter of who you let into your circle. 

Just like an athlete, training for the Olympics chooses their coaches and training partners very wisely, so should we. Because not everyone is your competition, some of them are your team mates.